everything I ever wanted

[Deleted]

“Why are you doing this?” Vivienne’s sage green eyes stared stonily back at Liam Dixon, his confusion written clearly on his features as he tried to process just what was happening. Her arms folded across her chest in an attempt to protect herself from the onslaught of emotions that would come pouring out of him at any moment. The wind was starting to pick up, fallen leaves swirling around them, her long dark hair whipping around her as a gust rushed by. He moved to brush the hair from her face, but she smacked his hand away.
“Why do you think?” He blinked at her, dumbfounded.
“V,” he started. “Nothing happened!”
“Not according to Jocelyn.”
“What did she say?” Her jaw set.
“What didn’t she say?” The silence that followed was tense, tears forming in his deep blue eyes and Viv repressed an eye roll. She didn’t care what he had to say, not anymore. The truth was out there and no amount of groveling was going to fix it.
“It was just a kiss.” Vivienne laughed coldly, shaking her head.
“Right.”
“It was!” His watery eyes were pleading with her to believe him, but the problem for him was that she stopped caring a long time ago.
“We’re done, Liam.”

Love is such a tricky thing, is it not? One day you could be on cloud nine living your best life with someone and the next… well, the next day you could be drowning in your sorrows as you watch them walk away. Not that Vivienne felt any sorrow the day she let Liam Dixon go - in fact, she never felt more free, more alive, more herself. She never loved him. At least, not in the way he loved her. It was a tumultuous relationship that started with a love of Quidditch and ended with such a lack of passion that the days felt like months. Even the snogging became boring. Yes, she was quite relieved to be free of him in the end, but once they were done all that was left was an empty void. Did she even know who she was without him? Would she ever know? These questions haunted her for months as she moved about her days in a haze. Who was Vivienne Hayes, really? Most would tell you that she’s nothing but a stuck up pureblood princess, a bitch who was as cold and hard as her mother’s pearls. But that wasn’t exactly the truth and, once she was her own person again, she felt more determined than ever to prove them all wrong.

“Please don’t go, V.” Tears filled the young boy’s eyes as he clutched her leg, his small hands gripping her robes tightly as if she’d disappear the moment he let go. Vivienne crouched down to his level, smiling sadly at her youngest brother, her gaze filled with warmth and affection.
“Hey, no tears,” she murmured, raising a hand to his face to wipe the wetness from his eyes with her thumb. “I’ll write to you every week, I promise.”
“That’s not enough!” Elliot whined, his lower lip quivering. Her heart hurt at the sight of it. “Why can’t I go with you?”
“I’m sorry, Bub,” she said sincerely, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pulling him tight against her. “But before you know it, it’ll be Thanksgiving and I’ll be back home.” He sniffled, his face buried in her shoulder. “You’ll have Mum, Dad, and Theo to keep you company until then, yeah?” The boy nodded slowly, pulling away to look at her with red-rimmed eyes.
“I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m gonna miss you, too.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too, booger.”

Sometimes love was as easy as breathing. But even breathing can hurt sometimes. The unconditional love and trust she had for her family was endless and nothing in this world could shake those foundations. It was hard to believe that one person could carry so much affection in their heart for others. Friends, family, lovers… and yet there was still more to give. No one could imagine that Vivienne Hayes could feel so strongly toward anyone or that she would have such gentleness inside her. But that was by design. Several months ago, she promised herself that she’d never let another person in close enough to hurt her again. Not like he had. If they wanted to know her, they’d have to work toward it and only those worthy would get to see that side of her. It was the only way she could be sure that her heart was protected.

“Hey, Hayes!” Vivienne looked up from her book to see a very tall and very handsome wizard coming toward her. A manicured brow raised in response, her fingers holding her place in the chapter as she lowered it from her face.
“Yes, Noah?” They were friends, but not particularly close. It’s been a while since she let anyone in.
“Why aren’t you trying out for the team?” That earned a small laugh.
“Because I have NEWTs to study for?” It wasn’t the complete truth, but it was something.
“You’re bloody good! And with Emilia gone-”
“Look, I appreciate the thought, but I’m not interested.” She moved to walk past him, but his hand reached out to gently grip her arm.
“Hey, what’s gotten into you?” She didn’t want to tell him. Quidditch was something she shared with Liam and, well, that was over now. And with the rumors flooding of him wanting to replace Vanderhyde as Keeper… it was just better if she stayed away from it.
“Nothing,” she said, jerking her arm out of his grasp and trying to brush it off with a laugh. “I have bigger concerns than Quidditch. Besides, I heard that Lennox was trying out and she’s just as good as I am.” Better even.
“It’s our last year!”
“I know,” she smiled. “That’s why I’m saying no.”
“Fine. Don’t say I didn’t try, though.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

It was difficult trying to protect herself while simultaneously wanting to be understood. Perhaps it was more of her wishing someone would take enough interest in her to really try. So far, no one has bothered. It was like they made their impression and that was that. No attempt was made to dig deeper into who she was, what she liked, what she hated, and what she wanted. It wasn’t like she needed anyone - she had herself and her family and that's all she needed. But she couldn’t deny the part of her that wanted something more, something real, something tangible and worth fighting for. All this love inside her and no one worthy enough to claim it. So, she held her head up high and went about her days, pretending that the other’s disinterest in her didn’t bother her. It was just better this way.

“Hey, can we talk?” She didn’t even look up from the pages, her eyes still skimming the words as if his presence didn’t set her nerves on edge. Yeah, she heard about the breakup but didn’t really care. The last thing she needed was her ex coming crawling back to her after he’s had his fill. “V?”
A heavy sigh flowed out of her, but she still didn’t look at him. “What do you want?”
“I just – I just want to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” She turned the page, appearing to be deeply engrossed in her story, even if the words were just floating around her head incomprehensibly.
“Look, I know I fucked up–”
“Understatement of the year…”
“-but I miss what we had.”
“Sorry about your luck,” she quipped, finally lowering her book and meeting his gaze with an icy stare. Liam shuffled his feet awkwardly, his knuckles ghost white as he clutched his book bag.
“Viv–”
“No,” she cut him off, leaning forward in her seat as she leveled her gaze on him. “There’s nothing you could say that would tempt me to take you back. I was done before Jocelyn. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to study for Potions.”
“But, V-”
“I said no.”

Love, once lost, was damn near impossible to get back. This was something that Dixon was starting to learn. Vivienne had never felt more empowered than she did in that moment. The brunette rose from her seat, shouldering her bag and moving past him without a second look. Her heart was throbbing in her chest, tears dangerously close to shedding, but she walked out of the Group Commons and down the corridors with her chin held up and her jaw set. She was never one to wear her heart on her sleeve and, now more than ever, she’d be damned if she let anyone see how much pain she was in. Her feet carried her swiftly away from him, but not to the library. Before she knew it, she was running into the nearest bathroom, her stomach turning in a bad way. Reaching the sink, she fell forward with her hands slapping against the porcelain. The tears broke their bonds and slipped past her eyelids, running steadily down her face as she lost her lunch in the basin.

It took her several moments to pull herself together - her insides still twisting uncomfortably, but there was nothing left inside her, nothing left to come up. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, Vivienne took a few deep breaths in an attempt to steady herself. Her gaze flitted up to her reflection, taking in the flushed look of her face and the mascara running down her cheeks, her eyes a vibrant shade of green surrounded by redness. Merlin, she looked a mess. For a few minutes she just stood there, staring vacantly. Was this who Vivienne Hayes really was? A very significant part of her didn’t want to know, not liking the weakness she saw looking back at her. She wiped at her face, getting rid of the mascara streaks as she worked to compose herself. It was ridiculous; she was over him and over the relationship. So then, why did it still hurt so much?

"Harrison, you're - er - stepping on my bag." She raised a brow at the auburn haired wizard, watching as the realization dawned on his face and he stepped back.
“My bad. Hope it wasn’t Prada.” A pang ran through her at his words, but she simply smirked and bent over to pick it up, tossing it over her shoulder with a flip of her long hair.
“Is that really what you think of me?”
He shrugged. "Slytherin Princess type..." Of course. She tried to swallow her disappointment.
“There’s more to me than meets the eye,” she replied with a small smile, trying to mask the hurt she felt.
"I'm sure. We're all an iceberg under the surface, aren't we?" His tone didn’t escape her notice.
“I guess we are…”

Vivienne found herself laying in her bed that night feeling particularly homesick. At least there she was wanted and cared for. At least there she felt understood and protected, not that she necessarily needed it as she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. It was just nice sometimes to feel loved. She turned on her side, watching the rise and fall of Olivia Moretti’s chest as she slept comfortably. Liv, another ‘Slytherin Princess’, who somehow captivated the hearts of so many. No, V wasn’t jealous of her friend by any means, she worked hard to guard her own soul from those who could hurt her. She just… she just wished that one day she’d be half the witch she was. The girl that people took a chance on. Maybe that’s who Vivienne Hayes is; the dreamer.